I frequently used fear to justify acting out. Masturbation produced temporary tranquility. Afterwards I was even more afraid, but for the moment it was a nice numb feeling. A big fear for me is "the unknown," such as when I'm going to die. My motto used to be "act out today for tomorrow I may die." Meanwhile my unhealthy lifestyle was increasing my chances of dying. But would receiving a letter telling me the precise circumstances of my death really help?
"From the Offices of Death.
Below please find the time and manner of your death:
7 July 2030. Choking on a brownie.
I suppose there would be some relief. It might have been worse. It might have said, "An hour from now. Wolf attack."
Years ago, one of my SA groups received the sad news that a beloved older member, who had recently lost his sobriety, had died. He was found dead, in front of his laptop. If I die in front of a computer, what do I want to be on the screen? Since I don't know the time or manner of my death, all the more reason not to act out, so that my life isn't just a legacy of lust. Also, I guess I should put down this brownie.