Failing to stay sober through my own efforts

It's amazing - I have finally experienced my powerlessness over lust and given up fighting it. Yet, from what I read, hear and know from my own experience, this attitude of surrendering instead of fighting is seldom understood or experienced.

I am grateful that God used this addiction to teach me so much about my dependence on Him. I don't believe I would ever have begun to understand surrender without first experiencing utter failure in staying sober through my own efforts.

I've read enough non-programme literature on the topic of sexual temptation to know that common sense would have me try harder, struggle more, and fight ever more fervently to win the battle against lust. And that may work very well for the average person on the street. But it didn't work for me, because I'm am not "like other people" (AA Big Book). I am a sexaholic.

I really do think it has finally been beaten into my thick skull that since I am powerless over lust, fighting lust is nothing more than a desperate attempt to postpone the inevitable. When I fight lust, I lose. When I surrender my lust and myself to God, I stay sober. For me, this is not just semantics. This is a whole new way of thinking, behaving, and connecting with God. I stopped fighting, and I started surrendering, and God graciously continues to keep me sober. But I had to stop fighting!

"In summary, for us surrender is the change in attitude of the inner person that makes life possible. It is the great beginning, the insignia and watchword of our program. And no amount of knowledge about surrender can make it a fact until we simply give up, let go, and let God. When we surrender our 'freedom,' we become truly free." (SA White Book p.82)