The last few weeks have been very difficult for me: living away from my family; two weekend visits from my mom and step-dad; my wife's family visiting for Easter; both of my son's birthdays and, truth be told, me being an emotional wreck throughout it all. I've spent the last week alternating between emotional outbursts via email/text and being highly apologetic to my spouse.
This all came to a head Saturday night when I was able to sit down with my wife and talk to her face to face. During this conversation, she told me that I was not taking my disease nor my recovery seriously. My internal monologue immediately went to how can she say that? I'm in counseling, going to meetings, and working the steps. Her comment was then followed with letting me know that the current visiting situation isn't working, and that she and the kids need space, and that I need to use this time to work on myself.
I spent a good portion of yesterday going through all this in my head and realized that to an extent, she was right. Not that I'm not taking my disease and recovery seriously, but that I have been neglecting both of them over the last few weeks and letting my fears come to the forefront. I spent several hours reading the most recent edition of Essay that I have received and went to my weekly face-to-face meeting. At the meeting, we got to hear a fellow member's first step story (which I am currently working on as well) and I received my three month sobriety chip.
In this I am reminded that my path to recovery needs to be centered on surrender, working the steps, daily readings, prayer, and focusing on the day at hand.