Changing my idea of God

When I came into this program, I thought I had a solid knowledge of who God was.  After all, I had been lay leader of my church and had preached a series of six sermons.

My old ideas about who I thought God was had to be abandoned.  Obviously.  Because it was not working for me.  How could I say that I trusted God when I kept acting out?  Trust means believing that God would comfort me enough to give me that sense of ease and comfort that The Doctor's Opinion talks about in the AA Big Book.

I held onto my old ideas so much and thought I knew God so much that I would argue and get angry with someone if they said "goddamn."  All the while I was acting out, but in my mind that was different.

No, it's not.  My old ideas are based in delusion, lying to myself, justifying my actions.  In short, all my old ideas are dishonest. My best thinking got me into SA, so I had to let go of that best thinking.  I had to fire that **** I called God and get me a new one. 

I got a new one as a result of working the Steps with a sponsor.  The weird thing is that it's the same God that was part of my previous church.  It was me that had to change, me and my thinking.  

I've got a broken thinker.  That will not and has not changed.  That's why I need this program on an ongoing basis 24 hours at a time for the rest of my life.

The purpose of the program for me is the spiritual awakening promised in the 12th step.  For me, a spiritual awakening doesn't mean "return to normal" because I never was normal.  I'm an addict.  Me and normal parted company a long time ago, if we ever met in the first place.  Thank God for the 12 Steps and the fellowship of SA.  It's the only thing that has worked for me and continues to work for me on a daily basis.