The last couple of days, I've become aware that I've let my programme degrade. While I've been going through major life changes, I've focused on keeping up those parts which involve others, like sponsorship and meetings, but I've let my prayer time slip.
For my 11th Step meditation, I've got into a routine of reading a daily reflection, a couple of chapters of scripture, and prayer. As my life has changed, the hardest thing for me to do is to sit quietly and listen to God. Maybe it is because I feel the need to be vigilant. I don't feel comfortable and safe with the world changing. I can't be vigilant if I'm not constantly watching all the angles. I also don't trust God implicitly. Trust has been a slow growth process. I choose to trust. He proves trustworthy. I trust a little more. He proves even more trustworthy. Then a crisis happens and I revert back to fear. Surrendering the fear, I choose to trust.... and the cycle begins again. Three steps forward, two steps back.
One piece of advice I received, when completing Step 12 with my sponsor, came in the form of a question. "What are you going to do to continue to grow in your spiritual life?" It's a question that haunts me. What am I going to do? I have a sponsor, isn't he supposed to tell me? Somewhere along the line, I need to take responsibility for my own relationship with my Higher Power. It's always been safer to let someone else be in charge, that way the onus is on them. I can always deflect blame.
Maybe a new prayer I have learned at my church will fit better than the meditation practice I've been taught by my sponsor? It includes God, gratitude, inventory, amends and listening, so it fits my programme well. I think I might try it, but I fear going it alone. What if I'm wrong? I have so much fear about walking to the beat of my own drum.
Today, I need to carve out some time to pray. It feels awkward and strange, today. But I need to take action. I'm not likely to feel better about it ruminating about it. Take the action and the feelings will follow.