My first year in SA was a series of frequent relapses. I thought that relapsing was unavoidable until I had understood the Steps and reached a place where God would finish the job for me.
I didn’t realise that I actually had to work the Steps - all of them - without skipping the third one. I was not ready to give up my right to lust. One day a female client reported my sexual behaviour to my supervisor. I resigned from my job that day. Some time later, a phone call summoned me immediately to the police station.
On arrival, I was locked in a room until an investigator came. Two police officers escorted me about and kept guard while I waited a while longer. I was told of the charge against me and a lengthy first examination followed.
Next I was driven in a police car to a courthouse and brought before an examining magistrate. On the way there I could see people walking freely in the streets. I felt like I was in a different world, sitting between armed policemen in the car, only a step away from ‘the world out there’. I doubted that I would see that world again for some time.
After a second examination and deliberation, I was released on bail and driven home by policemen who then searched my house and took away everything that they thought might provide evidence against me. I just had to sit there and wait.
All throughout that afternoon and evening I waited many hours. I was so grateful that in SA I had learned to accept and surrender. I was able to accept the consequences of my acting out. That gave me peace and helped me to tell my interrogators the truth without regret. I knew that no matter how far down the scale I had gone, my experiences would benefit others.
In the following months I was able to read the accusations of my victims. I learned how deeply their lives had been affected by my actions. I didn’t realise this until I saw it in writing. I had to be told the obvious! My addiction always distorts reality.
Relapsing is not just resetting my sobriety date. It is about denying the nature of my illness and inhabiting an unreal world where I'm Mister Goody-Goody - the man who has never harmed anyone.
I had to go through this whole legal process in order to begin to understand how sick I really am and start the journey back to reality.