Addicted to the forbidden

The White Book says I'm addicted to the forbidden, and that's true for me.  A cookie is just a cookie.  But if you tell me I can't have the cookie, suddenly it becomes an obsession.

A parable: There was a child who whined and screamed for a balloon being played with by his brother.  It was explained to the child that it was his brother's balloon, that it had been given to him for his birthday, and that if he wanted, they would buy him his own balloon.  But the child continued to scream for it.  He was finally given it, grew disenchanted with it quickly, and popped it.  And then he cried for another balloon.

I was always attracted to a woman in a relationship.  Because I couldn't have her, I had to have her.  She was far more attractive to me because she was with someone else.  If a single girl is attracted to me, her intentions could be banal (who knows? maybe she's afraid of being alone and is not particularly picky).  But if I could get a committed woman to betray her loyalty to another man, jeopardize an established lifestyle, buck societal and religious taboos to be with me, I must be something pretty attractive and special - she must be in it for me.

I could fool myself for a while that the chase was all about saving the girl.  The other guy wasn't appreciating her; he didn't see that she needed romance and excitement in her life.  But the rare time when I got her, almost in the same moment as she acquiesced, I was done with her.

My fourth step was filled with pages of me lusting after a married or dating woman and hating the man she was with.  I had so many instances of it, my sponsor while listening to my fifth step politely suggested that I didn't have to read him every instance of it; that we had established that I had a pattern.

So I'm a disloyal man attracted to disloyal women.  There's a strategy for happiness (not).

SA has been like a school for relationships for me.  I've had to slowly start to learn how to be loyal to something.  First I have been loyal to sobriety (as much as I can possibly be).  I support that by being loyal to my groups, despite the frequency with which I don't want to drag my body from home to attend.  And even more slowly, being loyal to others in my life.

It would be mind-blowing if someday I was a loyal man attracted to loyal people.