I stayed drunk on lust for a very long time because I did not want to admit complete defeat. As I have read in Step One
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 21).
Complete defeat is the only way I will ever come to. I believe that "God is everything" (“Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 53). If I believe that I am something and God is something, then I will still have an ego to depend on and I won't rely entirely on God.
The result of this ego-deflation is humility, not shame. Shame makes just about as much sense as a sexaholic saying "I got caught”. The fact is not that I got caught; the fact is that the truth finally came out. Saying that I got caught implies that, if I were just a bit smarter, I could still be out there living on lust. If I were just smarter I wouldn't be feeling so bad about what I did. Right. Step One says that I need to let go of being smart.
When it comes to Iust, there is no other position for me to take other than total surrender. I can tie my own shoes and make my own breakfast, but lust overpowers me every time. I don't surrender perfectly--so there are stumbles--but this is one of the bedrock principles on which I build my recovery.
For decades I evaded the reality of my addiction. I blotted out "the consciousness of (my) intolerable situation" (Big Book, page 25). My sexaholic insanity allowed me to delude myself into believing that I was an exception to the reality of my circumstances. I would tell myself "that's not really me doing that." I lived behind a screen of Iust that produced a fog of self-deception and delusion.
My disease stayed under the surface, like the Loch Ness Monster. It was mostly invisible, only to be seen in murky images that could easily be explained away--except that this monster was very real. Finally a calamity of such cataclysmic proportion occurred that even I could not deny or fool myself into believing it was not occurring. This was my moment of truth. I hit rock bottom.
If I had experienced anything less than complete defeat and surrender, the monster would have gone below the surface again, and I would be back to chasing Iust as my solution: deluding myself into believing that this time I will control and enjoy it.
With complete defeat came willingness
Thank God that Sexaholics Anonymous was there for me when I finally became willing. My willingness arose from complete defeat: not personal virtue or enlightened self-interest. I was beaten into a state of reasonableness.
The SA fellowship was there for me, but the fellowship was not enough. My sponsor said to me, "You are a sick guy, you are going to need more than the fellowship. You are going to need the Program, and the Program is the Twelve Steps.”
We began the journey that to this day has given me freedom from Iust. As the Sexaholics Anonymous “White Book” says, I am experiencing "progressive victory over Iust." I continue to learn that "complete defeat" is an ongoing process. I discovered this morning that without surrender and desperation NOW, I am lost. If I enter an SA meeting or take a phone call or open a recovery book with any other attitude than surrender and desperation, I’m burnt toast.
My selfish ego will rise up and I'll be managing the show. EGO means: Easing God Out.
The beauty of our way of life is that every time I search for God (Step 11), I find God. Or maybe God finds me. I awaken once again to the gift of recovery and the absolute joy of sharing this message with others. I experience life as I have never experienced it before. Today is a gift - that's why they call it the PRESENT.