The Four Hideous Horsemen
Page 30 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes my "stopping" experience in Sexaholics Anonymous...especially the phrase "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." That was how it felt for me to hit bottom. But when hearing a "weekly topic" share of another SA member, I was reminded of page 151 in the AA Big Book. On that page there is a reference to the hideous “Four Horsemen" [of alcoholism]--Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. In my SA recovery, I took inventory of those four words:
Terror started when I was a child. Physical abuse and emotional humiliation. Fear of man and God dominated my life. Trauma snuck up on me with no warning.
Frustration started when I was a teenager. I became rebellious and antisocial. Life was not going my way and whoever was making the rules was my enemy.
Despair set in later. I was 40 or 50 years old when I began to give up on life. I had no sense of purpose except to drink, act out sexually, and play video games. I now believe that shame, guilt, and loneliness are the stepping stones to despair.
Bewilderment - the final blow
Bewilderment however was the final blow. Towards the end of my active sex addiction, I was doing things for which there was no logical or illogical explanation. I was acting in ways that I could not explain nor even rationalize. I was acting against my own "bad" judgment--but I could not stop. This was bewildering, but it was the unexplainable sense of confusion that finally brought me to my knees (literally). It was as if another person had taken over my mind and my body. I was totally bewildered, and that was when I found my motivation for stopping my sexual acting out.
Today, in Sexaholics Anonymous recovery, I am rediscovering safety, contentment, purpose, and integrity. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, and God is restoring what my disease was robbing from me. The Four Horsemen still circle on occasions but most times they are far away in the distance and I am content in recovery.
Sexaholics Anonymous Has Given Me Purpose and Integrity