I'm just ending a sponsorship relationship with another member in Sexaholics Anonymous. The decision has been difficult for me. I talked to my sponsor about it, to get his perspective and thoughts. Still, I left with the feeling that this is my fault for being a lousy sponsor. I do know I'm not the best, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the worst either.
In my early years of going to SA meetings, I wasn't ready to be sponsored by anyone. It didn't matter how "good" they were as a sponsor, I just wasn't ready to do the Steps under the direction of anyone. I only wanted to do the minimum and "have my problem solved for me", without any real work. No. that wasn't going to work for me or for any sponsor of mine.
Back when I started with my current sponsor, he asked me write this statement in the front of my AA Big Book when I was really ready: "[the date] - I am willing to go to any length to stay sober." "Any length" is really an extreme commitment, and it is the attitude that I had to have if I was ever going to get over myself and have a real attitude of humble surrender. And this time, I was definitely ready. "Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization" can do that to a person.
The Big Book puts it this way: "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps."
So I read that sentence to my sponsee, and I suggested that first he had to decide if he wanted what I had. If he didn't want what I had, there was no point in me being his sponsor; he would need to find a sponsor that had what he wanted. Then we had a look at the statement he had written in the front of his book committing that he would go to any length to stay sober. And I pointed out that this was a choice he had previously made when we had started down this path together. Did he really want sobriety and did he really want what I had? Finally I pointed out that only until the first two were true for him, only "then" would he be ready to take "certain steps". Those are the 12 Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous. They are the Steps I took to get what I have, and I don't know any other way to get it.
This is also a tough one because we are both members of the same home group. I don't know what the fall-out will be. But the words of the Serenity Prayer come to mind, and I can relax in the knowledge that God loves our home group and my fellow sexaholics and me. We'll get through it.