299 Lust kills my spirit

Batch 30 #299

"Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one’s self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive."

When I first came to SA, I fought this definition of lust. To my mind, it coincided too closely with a religious ideal of sexuality: something thing I already rejected. I believed that a little sexual fantasy accompanied by masturbation every now and again was harmless. My response was always, “I have masturbated for 30 years so what is the harm one more time?”

After six months into the program, I had a long, destructive binge. When I came to, I realized I could end up in a mental health facility from doing things I did not want to do. I found that fantasy and masturbation almost always preceded acting out. I was a binge sexaholic. I had calendar sobriety, but with no attitude change, everything was unmanageable and my actions and thoughts were out of control. 

Listening to my sponsor, working the Steps and paying attention to members at meetings gives me the tools to identify my sexualized thinking and then surrender it. Identifying and surrendering are now primary tools in my recovery. My sobriety goes beyond physical actions or behavior. It includes surrendering the unmanageable sexual thoughts and fantasies as well as ceasing to fight the definition of lust. 

God, help me to surrender my thoughts, my actions, and my life to You