Batch 30 #294
And it's like mental-spiritual noise that distorts and perverts sex, much as a raucous radio interference distorts a lovely melody. (SA 41–41)
My sexaholism was made stronger by my thoughts. I could not stop my brain from thinking even for a minute.
I suspect that most brains, addicted or not, are often overflowing with thoughts that are more distractive than constructive. My brain thinks about the past or the future—any time but right now—or is judging others. This noise, almost a voice in my head, in my memory, has always been there. It drives a wedge between me and others; between me and reality. That incessant voice obscures the stillness of being. It lies by telling me to look towards earthly externals to feel complete—something that can only leave me disconnected.
Working the Steps and going to meetings helps diminish the noise. I am better able to hear my Higher Power speak through people I meet and identify the origins of my feelings. I can sense my connection with the rest of humanity, and I begin feeling comfortable just being. I find there is great serenity in the “music” of being found through sobriety.
Higher Power, please help me to lower the noise in my head so I can hear Your voice.