Batch 29 #283
The painful past may be of infinite value….” (AA 124)
I need surgery to remove some pre-cancerous cells from my nose. My vanity asks: “What will my nose look like after surgery? Will there be any scarring? Will people look away? Will I frighten little children?” Talk about obsessing!
I thought about the scars from my addictive past. The broken marriage, neglected children, damaged relationships, stunted career, financial losses—constant reminders of the disease that ravaged me for over 50 years. My recovery keeps most of them from view, but like physical ones, become less noticeable over time.
When I become angry, resentful, or arrogant some of those scars glow. Should I hide them—or can I? I might cover them briefly with a ‘bandage,’ (niceness, helpfulness, compliance), but eventually they will be exposed. Only by working my Program do they fade into the background.
The good news about my nose is I am 65 and wrinkled anyway, so what difference will a scar from surgery make? If I can keep my ego in check, I will be okay.
Likewise, if I can concentrate on what is important (God, recovery, relationships, service), there will be less shame, anger, resentment, or arrogance. I will be free to accept myself as I am, scars and all, and to make the remaining years the best of my life. Maybe that is what the White Book means when it says in The Solution, “We were home.”
Lord, please help me accept my scars and your healing power.