One of my big character defects is perfectionism. It has manifested in many ways over the years. As a result of my most recent slip, I have been granted a great spiritual insight – perfectionism drives my addictive self. The thing is, though, I was being perfectionistic with the program! Here are some examples of what I mean:
- With respect to the SA sobriety definition – I have to keep it perfectly, or I’m a failure
- When I see someone attracted to, I can’t look again, and I question whether looking at their feet means I looked again – again, not perfect
- When I try to express myself here – I have to say things just right – perfectly
When I think like that, I'm missing to whole point. Working the programme really doesn’t go well when I’m perfectionistic about how I work my programme I'm learning that God wants me to have a real relationship with Him, and then He will help me. “He can and will if He is sought”, we say. Often, rather than seeking Him, I just want to seek to alleviate my lust.