Happy, joyous and free

I'm a low bottom sex and lust drunk who has by God's grace survived suicide, two divorces, unprotected sex in some of the most dangerous places in the world, chronic depression every time I got sober and a steadily progressing disease of spirit, mind and body... But I am also a sex drunk who is today by God's grace lust and depression free, living a life that is quite different from anything I myself ever dreamed of, yet is already happy joyous and free... and I still feel I have only just begun...

I no longer believe there is a "key"  or "fix"  that will somehow unlock the door to sobriety for me.  I used to think that and that thought in itself prevented me from finding lasting sobriety.

If there is any "key" it's my conviction, based on repeated, long periods of sobriety (in my case as long as 7 years but always followed by inevitable demoralizing relapse) that this HAS to be a one day at a time deal. 

The minute I feel I have "got it" (i.e. got something permanent and lasting) is when I am at greatest risk of losing it again. This has been the story of my life in recovery. Because one of the many faces of lust, it has turned out in my case, has been this very desire to get control of this thing, to find a permanent fix or key....

Instead, SA is teaching me one day at a time to just keep everything in the day, to avoid temptation by keeping myself in fit spiritual condition (fellowship with other SAs, going to face2face meetings, prayer, reading the literature, making calls and above all keeping no secret whatever from my fellow SAs) and leaving the rest (i.e. the problem of how to stay sober in the long run) up to my Higher Power.

This is still (and I now hope always will be) the hardest thing for me. It means surrendering my intellect's innate need to understand and control, it means staying honest and squeaky clean of resentment, anger, self-pity, lust and fear,  ticking as close as possible to my fellow SAs (what a  deal for an inveterate loner like me...), and working the 12 Steps of recovery with my sponsor on an ongoing basis.

It means writing a share like this for you my fellow SAs rather than heading out for a morning of tourism on this my last day in Nashville before I head back to Europe. The Big Book of AA tells me there is nothing so powerful for keeping me sober today as sharing my ES&H with a fellow Sexaholic... so that's what I'm doing.

Working this program has blessed me with a spiritual awakening to the presence of a HP who really is always there for me (He always was but I was so busy with lust for all sorts of other things that I couldn't recognise him...). Not only is He keeping me free from lust today, but He has blessed me with a sense of identity,  a clear mission (in this fellowship!), and a beautiful sense of life as His unfolding adventure rather than mine...